I’ve noticed that there are people (writers, influencers, whomever), who are perfectly happy to take your money and offer you something emotionally provocative, without substance, or academic credibility.  They throw these terms around, attach them to something relatable, and generally try to sell you on the idea that you–or someone you know–has some form of psychopathology.   

Some of the concepts that I’ve seen so widely misused are: 

• Narcissism
• Attachment
• ‘Gaslighting’
• Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder
• Post traumatic stress
• Dissociation…

Let’s start with the top of the list–narcissism; the word ‘narcissism’ is used too much, too broadly, and with too little thought nowadays.  I’ve seen it used to describe actual, clinical narcissists.  But I’ve also seen it as a term of disparagement to describe “that person who did that thing I didn’t like, and made me feel bad.”  We should probably try to be more precise about our language.  

In that spirit, I’d like to share some thoughts about pathological narcissism.  I’ll keep my comments close to the accepted clinical language.  Hence, I’ll stay out of the contentious realm of ‘covert narcissism,’ ‘malignant narcissism’ and the other, rather creative, pop psych deployments of narcissistic labeling.  For now, we can probably just stay with the DSM and ICD–the consensus manuals of clinical diagnosis.  

In this closely circumscribed model, what, then, is narcissism? 

First and foremost, narcissism is self-aggrandizing.  People with narcissistic personality disorder are invariably grandiose, either in their behaviours, in their fantasies, or both.  They feel a need, an expectation, to be admired and regarded by others as important, brilliant, beautiful or powerful–often without having achieved anything that would garner this kind of attention.  

Second, narcissists tend to lack empathy, and have an inability (or an unwillingness.  Or both) to place themselves in others’ shoes.  Many narcissists place their own needs, or wants, above others, and they might take advantage of others, or act in exploitative ways.  This is often accompanied by a sense of unearned entitlement, and the expectation that others will accommodate or comply with their wishes.  Entitlement leads to fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty… 

And, of course, narcissists see themselves as special, or unique.  I have seen this tendency often in my line of work–many narcissists believe that they can only be understood by high status people.  They often check out my credentials, and if my graduate studies and reputation meet their expectations, they insist that they should see me, rather than one of my excellent colleagues who might not have a doctoral credential.

Another tell-tale sign of clinical narcissism is envy.  Many narcissists are tormented with envy–feeling envious of the status or achievements of others, or believing that others are themselves envious of the narcissist’s own attributes and accomplishments.  

Finally, narcissists are often off-putting, acting haughtily, or in an arrogant way that can alienate or offend others. They tend to react badly to criticism, which leaves them feeling embarrassed, hurt, or offended.  

These all seem like pretty common traits, right?  Sure…but here’s the thing:

Narcissists don’t possess just a handful of these qualities.  Clinical psychologists and psychiatrists need evidence of at least five narcissistic symptoms, in order to assign a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

You may have some people in your life who are arrogant.  You might have some people in your life who are selfish, or clueless or entitled.  But that does not necessarily mean they are narcissistic in any clinical sense.  They might just have faults of character, just like everybody else.   In a clinical sense, narcissism is a sustained, pervasive pattern of behaviour that likely impairs a person in their social and professional relationships.  It’s a rather serious mental health condition.

So, how can you find out if you or someone you love is narcissistic in a clinical sense?  Get an actual assessment by a qualified professional.  

I know we’re all trying to make sense of the uncomfortable, complex, and often painful experience of being human.  But I’m not at all convinced that lay diagnosis is a good way to do that.  Because, yes, you–or someone you know–probably do have some form of psychology (many people will, at one point or another).  But assessing and diagnosing mental illness requires training, qualification and objectivity.  And while I don’t know what qualifications you specifically do or don’t have, I’m pretty sure that you’re not in an objective position to diagnose yourself or someone you have a personal relationship with.  

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Some of this centers on how I was bratty and defiant as a teenager (and, if I’m being honest, into my young adulthood).  I had a chip on my shoulder.  I was sarcastic and self-righteous.  I think me-now would probably not have much patience with me-then.  A lot of people didn’t have patience with me-then.  But aunt Peggie always did.  She always accepted me as I was.  She didn’t seem to take it personally when I was petulant or obnoxious.  I think she understood that that was about me, not about her.  Someday I hope to have that kind of wisdom.

I think many of us react to others’ behaviour personally, as if their bad behaviour is an attack on us, or somehow our responsibility.  We forget the simple, important truth that: 

Someone else’s behaviour is really about them, not about me.

It’s about their past, and the default ways of behaving they learned in that past. It is about their present, whether they are tired, hungry, or sad.  It is about their future, what they hope to have and experience, and that they are afraid of not having or experiencing. Above all, it’s about their beliefs and thoughts about the situation, which is at best biased, and potentially dramatically distorted.  It is about them, and somehow my aunt always seemed to remember that.  I believe that helped her to accept me, even when my behaviour was unacceptable by any reasonable standard. 

She was always interested in what I had to say.  She would ask me how I was, what I was interested in, what my thoughts were about those things. Her graciousness was disarming. It made me think twice about my usual tendency to be pompous and facetious. It made me less defensive.  

By being non judgmental, she made me less judgmental, at least for those moments when I got to speak with her.  

That was at the center of it-her generous and wise-minded ability to be accepting and non-judgmental with me.  It meant more to me than I realized at the time. It meant so much that one of my memories of Aunt Peggie hangs in my mind, as one of the regrets of my life. I must have been 18 or 19.  My mom had asked me to drop off a package for Peggie, which I did. I can’t remember my state of mind at the time, but I’m guessing I felt put out by having to take time out of my day to do something nice for someone. I felt like I was in a rush, to do whatever kind of ‘important’ things I wanted to do. So when my aunt, in earnest hoping to spend a little time with me, invited me in for tea, I made my excuses and left. As I left, I felt her sincere, but non-blaming disappointment. In leaving, I missed out on the opportunity to spend a little more time with this gracious, kind person. It was just the once (there had been other times when I’d had tea with her, and been warmed by her grace and goodness), but I feel that loss even now, as I move through middle age and realize how precious our moments are.

And now, with more insight and calm than I had as a teenager, I see that I also carry with me a piece of wisdom from her. Because of that wisdom, now, I try my very hardest to accept others just exactly as they are. My life is better for that effort. 

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